• Benjamin Boateng

GET THE SEX BACK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP


I hardly get horny or hard lately when with my partner, chaley the sexual chemistry just die, we leave in the same house but haven’t had sex in over 6 months. I struggle to even get wet the sex is just trash. And the complains are over and over and over when couples hit you up needing sexual help. Under this I address some few key points to help steer up the bedroom crush course. Having worked with a little over of 236 ocouples over the last 2 years, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned about what keeps passion alive... and what doesn’t. 1. Self satisfaction vs. Neediness :Neediness isn’t sexy. By neediness, I mean that your sense of worth and everything that holds your joy are tied to how your partner treats you rather than to how you feel about yourself and to how you treat yourself. If your partner has to have sex with you for you to feel that you are okay, that may be a turnoff to your partner. Women especially want their man to be in their power — not coming to them like a needy little boy and also women that enjoy wanting their partner to come to them like a needy little boy usually have their own blocked problem.. I’ve often heard women say, “When I visit my husband at work, I’m so turned on to him because he is coming from his personal power, but as soon as he gets home, he turns into a needy little boy and all the turn-on is gone.” It’s not just women who want their partner to have their own self-worth. I’ve worked with many men who are not attracted to their wives because their wives are needy and demand sex to feel okay about themselves and always nagging about every little thing. And it’s not just heterosexual couples who struggle with this. This same issue comes up over and over with my gay clients as well. The issue here is whether or not you are taking personal responsibility for your own feelings and well-being. When you have learned to love and value yourself, the love making with your beloved is a way to express your love rather than a way to get love and validation. 2- Connection When people date, they set aside time for each other — time to connect, to share, to learn and grow and have fun. Often, once they live together, they get busy and no longer set aside time to be together. Intimacy and passion do not flourish without time together to play, learn, grow, share and connect. Date nights or date days on a weekend work wonders! Having fun together, playing together, being able to laugh and joke together, are vital parts of an emotionally and sexually intimate and connected relationship, and they take time. If you want your sex life to be fun and alive, you need to create time for fun and aliveness outside the bedroom. For example, some of my clients find that the only time they have great sex is when they are on vacation. That’s when they have the time to connect, and connection is vital for passionate sex. 3- New flower Relationships get boring when there is nothing new happening, and they flourish when each partner continues to learn and grow in the relationship. A boring relationship can lead to boring sex. Sharing your learning and growth with your partner can lead to the excitement and newness that you had at the beginning of your relationship, and that excitement and newness can then show up on the bedroom. Good sex also needs some mystery. If your partner knows everything about you because you have stopped learning, growing and changing, boredom can set in. The mystery is in finding a new flower to blossom in your partner. 4. Conflict Are you like me that hate conflicts? You start an argument and may allow you to win with ease because I cannot be bothered to talk too much. People who avoid conflict by giving in or withdrawing, or people who attack and blame and have to be right and win, create an unsafe relationship environment where conflicts don’t get resolved. Unresolved conflicts can create resentment, which may lead to a lack of being attracted to your partner. One of the quickest ways of losing your passion for your partner is to give yourself up to avoid rejection. This often leads to shutting down your feelings. You cannot shut down your feelings of heartache without shutting down your loving feelings, as these feelings reside in the same place in the heart. Opening to learning about yourself and your partner, rather than giving yourself up, withdrawing, getting angry or blaming will go a long way toward opening up your sex life to more fun and passion.Often, what goes on outside the bedroom is reflected in your sexual relationship, so if there is emotional distance and resentment in the relationship, that may be affecting your lovemaking. Sometimes allow them to do all the yabbing, after pamper them and give them a good fuck. You will realize that’s all they needed. 5. Control Most people like to be in control, but they hate being controlled. If one or both of you are controlling — with judgment, criticism, anger, blame or neediness — the other person may shut down to not be controlled. Even if you are only controlling in the relationship outside of the bedroom and not in the bedroom, this can affect the attraction. If you tend to be controlling in a judgmental way while making love, this may be a turnoff to your partner even before you hit the bedroom. However, sometimes consensual control can play an exciting role in lovemaking. Frequently, one or the other partner finds it exciting to be controlled in the bedroom. This can bring spice to your sex life as long as it is consensual. The popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey series attests to this. Although these are the main problems or causative factors I have deduced out of most of my clients, feel free to let me know if there’s something I left. All these can be easily fixed tho. Some are over night jobs others. Hmmmm 


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